An Alberta woman who appeared not to have put on make-up lamented last week that not one of her four kids are gay.  “I don’t spend a lot of time on myself at home” she explained, “I wear sweatpants sometimes and other times I wear jeans or pretty dresses.”  Then she dropped a bomb shell: “I let my children dress in what makes them comfortable” she said.

When pressed, she declared she was “accepting of gay, gender-questioning, trans-gender and basically anything (her) kids wanted to identify as” however “they didn’t bite” she told reporters.  “We talk all the time about accepting others as they are and they’re still just lame old heterosexuals” she said sadly.

Credit – Dan Reynolds

After a recent discussion with a friend from one of the many backwoods towns in Alberta who told her he would “not raise his kids to be gay” she wondered how much more she had to do to make her kids “not heterosexual”.

“I’m sure you can teach children to question their sexual and gender identity by being open and loving” she said. “I’ve always let my kids know that I would accept them for who they are” she said in a really whiny voice, “but they’re heterosexual – and I didn’t even tell them they HAD TO BE heterosexual!”

“One of my children thought he might have homosexual friends, another did have homosexual friends, the other knew a trans-gender teen and another said it ‘just wasn’t for him'” she said, her voice filled with emotion. “I was open  with them about gender-fluidity and sexual preferences.  I still can’t believe they aren’t questioning their gender or their sexuality.”

The rural Alberta resident and mother of four white children thought for sure that if she was accepting enough she would have at least one child who wanted to identify as something other than heterosexual.  “I really tried,” she whispered, “but for reasons I cannot fathom, they understood who they were all by themselves”.

At the time of press release, all four of her children were still interested in the opposite sex, even though a couple of the boys had been dressed as princesses by their older sister.  “Their dad bought them ninja costumes one day and they just liked those better” she told us.  “It was almost as if they already knew what they liked even without my input!!”

Follow us as we keep digging into these amazing stories from Alberta.  We will get to the bottom of how Alberta parents can raise gay, straight, questioning and queer kids; if this accepting woman can’t get her kids to question their gender or sexual identity she must not be doing it right.

This is satire yet completely based on personal experience; oddly enough.

Deirdre Mitchell-MacLean
Content Director/Writer

[email protected] @thisweekinAB on Twitter