Alberta Premier Jason Kenney sent out a hearty congratulations from his Village People convention appearance in Calgary to his lemmings Caucus in Edmonton on the occasion of “really, legislatively fucking up those little queers in junior high.” 

The trained seals Caucus were busy having what looked like a pool party in Edmonton’s Legislature Grounds, but it just turned out they all thought Ric McIver was serious about becoming a lake of fire party and were trying to stave off the impending spontaneous human combustion. 

Education Minister Adriana LaGrange was quoted as saying “we believe that all kids who identify as, um, uh, whatever, should be safe from bullying,” she stammered in the press briefing room. 

“Instead those little queers should feel the full weight of the Legislature and God’s wrath,” she concluded, not realizing she was still on a hot mic. 

The province’s clergy were seen grabbing a drink with UCP supporters to celebrate their control over the government’s legislative agenda. 

When asked how the work on Jobs, Economy, and Pipelines was coming, Government House Leader Jason Nixon pointed to his earplugs saying he couldn’t hear the question, but that Justice Minister Doug Schweitzer had created jobs for a shit ton of lawyers. 

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