Canadian Politics Satire

Scheer Makes Pitch to Become Next Prime Minister

“I promise that when I become Prime Minister, voters across Canada will be just as embarrassed as those in Alberta, Ontario, and Quebec currently are by their governments.”

Andrew Scheer made a pitch to become the Prime Minister on his last day in Ottawa before heading out to Alberta’s Calgary Stampede to complete the pancake circuit, an annual tradition for federal politicians. 

“Since 2015, six Canadian Provinces have flipped from red to Tory blue, and we couldn’t be happier at the ineptitude of the lefties who have handed us the near majority we need to re-open the constitution and finish off the work Brian Mulroney couldn’t” said Scheer. 

“I promise that when I become Prime Minister, voters across Canada will be just as embarrassed as those in Alberta, Ontario, and Quebec currently are by their governments.”

“We’ll make sure that Christ comes first, no LGBTQ kids get to hide from their parents and God’s loving wrath, and that the Muslims aren’t allowed to play dress up in our public institutions.”

“But we won’t stop there,” said Scheer, “we will also make sure our pro-birth agenda is executed, that no Canadians will ever have to pay to heat their homes again with our serious plan to change the climate, and that Canada will finally be remade into the theocratic state we’ve always envisioned it to be.”

“By the time we’re done, we won’t have to worry about Americans posing as Canadians when they travel abroad. We’ll follow in the footsteps of our British founders in completely alienating ourselves from the rest of the western world.”


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