Alberta Conservatives are outraged that a non-oil and gas company, who is not headquartered in Calgary, could possibly benefit from government representation.
After electing the most pro-business Conservative Party in the history of the world, huge swaths of Albertans took to their fainting couches to declare solidarity with the Official Opposition to corporate interests, the Conservative Party of Canada.
“What Justin Trudeau has done is unforgivable” said CPC Leader Andrew Scheer before he wiped off his milk moustache with his sleeve. “The Liberals are obviously only interested in buying votes in Quebec.”
“We believe Canadians should vote them out next election” Scheer continued between bites of Canadian cheddar. “Corporate interests should never be a consideration to the Prime Minister or his staff. In fact, I’m going to follow this up with a strongly worded letter.”
Alberta Conservatives desperately reached out to Postmedia outlets in an attempt to secure much-needed amplification of the Conservative position.
“For the record: (Justin Trudeau) is the same PM who killed thousands of jobs and prolonged a recession in our energy sector by killing the Northern Gateway and Energy East Pipelines”, Premier Kenney told reporters before heading to an undisclosed French-speaking province to campaign for CPC candidates, “a few hundred more won’t matter.”
Agriculture Minister Devin Dreeshen chimed in with the announcement that “120 jobs (were just) created” in the mushroom farming industry. “I support our engineers” he voiced passionately, “I believe they are more than capable of learning how to determine when mushrooms are ready to be picked.”
The UCP caucus wholeheartedly agreed with an official statement.
“Alberta’s Government Caucus stands with those who work in the skilled trades because we understand the value that they bring to our province,” read the release, “unless they’re employed by a Quebec company and then, you know, not so much.”
“Alberta will be doing everything possible to protect our hardworking oil and gas sector jobs”, Energy Minister Sonia Savage wrote, “we are positive that none of them are affiliated with SNC Lavalin and so those jobs really don’t matter at all”.
For all the Conservative updates you can’t get from the talking heads themselves, tune in to Postmedia’s special all-conservative-all-the-time coverage found in literally every major newspaper in Canada.
This post is satirical…ish.
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