After a video of Andrew Scheer’s 2005 anti-same sex marriage speech hit social media this week, Conservative Campaign Manager Hamish Marshall sent Alberta Premier Jason Kenney a “thumbs up” emoji.
“Everyone knows Andrew Scheer is a social conservative but if we can get the Libs to use the Alberta NDP’s 2019 campaign and focus on things the voters aren’t talking about, we can take this election,” Marshall offered in a public release of the Conservative strategy.
“While we’re talking about taxes and telling Canadians how bad they have it, we just need the Liberals to focus on something no one is using to make their voting decision this year; like the Alberta NDP did.”
Matt Wolf, Jason Kenney’s Campaign Manager, concurred.
“We ran a mediocre campaign for a socially-conservative college drop out who has had one private sector job – as an anti-tax lobbyist. With three words, “Jobs, Pipelines, Economy”, we easily tapped into what every pollster said was top of mind for Alberta voters” Wolf said.
“Jason Kenney was an easy target for the socially liberal,” admitted Wolf, “and it suited our campaign perfectly. We were out talking about the economy, no pun, really, and there’s the NDP talking about things that don’t pay mortgages – it was awesome!”
Marshall and Wolf high-fived one another at the success of their ruse.
“It’s true,” Marshall agreed, “if the Liberals can be tricked into focusing on Andrew Scheer’s socially conservative record instead of their own successful stint with the economy, we have a really good shot.”
“That is…” Marshall paused giving Wolf a side-eye, “unless Kenney keeps campaigning for us.”
Wolf looked taken aback.
“What kind of heresy is that?” Wolf demanded. “Kenney wants nothing more than the Conservatives to be in power once again!”
“Sure, sure,” Marshall acquiesced, “but he’s a federal teet sucker. He wants the Conservatives in power but not if he has to fight for Alberta’s interests against them. Like come on; he’s sabotaging our chances one anti-Quebec media release at a time.”
Wolf feigned a look of contrition.
“Hey man, if your guy can’t manage to win this election against a Trudeau then maybe you aren’t doing it right” Wolf shot back.
“Oh we’ll win,” Marshall said with confidence, “just so long as the Liberals don’t look at anything Canadians are actually worried about and take their campaign direction from social media.”
“Yeah okay,” Wolf laughed, “I’ll see you during the Conservative leadership race after Kenney tanks Scheer. You’ll be in the audience, right?”
And with that, Marshall gave Wolf a purple nurple and it was obviously a waste of time to interview them.
This post is satire.
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