Alberta’s Father Figure Warns UofL Not to Squander Science Commons Opportunity

Balloons, music and cake, do not a happy father-figure make. ~unknown

The University of Lethbridge was excited. On Friday, after almost a decade of planning, costing and construction, their new Science Commons was officially opened with the “Big Bang” celebration. 

Alberta’s self-appointed Father Figure, Jason Kenney, leapt at the opportunity to insert himself in the limelight and make it about him. 

The $280 million dollar structure was given the go-ahead by the Progressive Conservative government before being replaced by the Much More Progressive than Conservative government which was recently replaced by Kenney’s What the Hell is Progress-I’ll Make You Beg for a Conservative government. 

“I hope you don’t squander this amazing opportunity, because you will not be getting another for a very long time,” he said sternly, grinning as he watched the hope fade from children’s eyes. 

“I want you to know that if it was up to me,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief, “I don’t think I could have justified this expense; those K-12 students don’t even pay taxes.”

He stared up at the vaulted ceilings as if to ask how dumb people could be. Turning his attention back on the crowd, he lit into them again.

“I trust that you will partner with private industry because respecting Alberta taxpayer dollars means giving private companies as much of them as possible,” Kenney told the sobering group while children anxiously fidgeted in their seats.

“I hope you will use this space to solve real problems facing our society. And by real problems,” he paused with a glare, “I mean like losing your funding for suggesting that anything might be as important to this province as oil.”

Kenney stood basking in the palpable nervousness while his words sunk in.

“I’m not even sure you need this kind of excessively equipped learning environment. You can learn a lot by making potato clocks and volcanoes out of papier mache in your own kitchen.”

Kenney stiffened as some in the crowd chuckled.

“Oh is that funny?” He asked mockingly, “I have a great one about human rights abuses if you think that’s funny.”

This post is satirical and, frankly, frightening.

Deirdre Mitchell-MacLean

Deirdre is a political commentator, columnist, reporter, and podcaster in Alberta. She relies on facts, snarky Twitter, and satire to share knowledge and a laugh. 

contact: [email protected], [email protected]

Twitter: @Mitchell_AB for all the commentary; @thisweekinAB for posts; @politicalRnD to guess “who tweeted that”?

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