Canada Votes 2019

Conservatives Plan for Future Candidate Controversies

Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer has worked with his campaign team to try and proactively mitigate several impending disastrous days of media coverage related to candidates saying stupid shit online. 

As it turns out, about 70% of the nominated CPC candidates thought they had signed up to run FROM office, not FOR office, and as such they weren’t worried about scrubbing their social media profiles, or you know, not saying dumb shit online. 

As a result, the CPC deployed conservative Shadow Defensive Minister Candace Bergen to tell people that no one cares about these controversies in the media. 

“Except the queers, the radical Islamists, and the cancerous feminazis, screw those so called people,” she said in an interview with Rebel Media, after no legitimate news organizations would return her call.

Scheer and his team have set up a dedicated media hotline, using the latest in Artificial Intelligence, where reporters can call and indicate what kind of offensive comments have been made, and the candidate’s name, and then a canned “sorry you were offended” response in the Leader’s voice will be transmitted automatically to all media outlets of record. 

This post contains no satire.

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