Federal party leaders breathed a sigh of relief after a recent EKOS poll confirmed none of them need to bother campaigning in Alberta or Saskatchewan.
“We’re a conservative province,” said anyone from either province. “Ottawa ignores us so we want to send a message by doing absolutely nothing different.”
The federal leaders, already in full campaign mode, said “meh”.
“We decided Alberta wasn’t worth our time while they had an NDP government,” an energetic Jagmeet Singh told a crowd in B.C. last week. “The Alberta NDP’s goals of diversifying their economy without immediately decimating their most lucrative asset just wasn’t resonating with us as a federal party.”
“My recently adopted province relies on coal exports more than we rely on oil exports,” he said, “so we’ve decided to ignore the economic needs of all provinces rather than address the hypocrisy.”
Green Party leader Elizabeth May, whose home province is also British Columbia, where coal is the province’s number one export, concurred.
“I’ve said that we should ban foreign oil imports and buy from Alberta. In return, we also won’t support any minority government who supports the Trans Mountain Expansion. If other provinces need more energy, B.C. has coal, and lots of it. Call me.”
Both the Liberal and Conservative leaders said it really took the pressure off.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau spoke first, because his privilege is real, but also because Andrew Scheer saw a protest sign and had an allergic reaction.
“You can’t please everyone,” Trudeau said solemnly, “and I am paying for that decision to back the Trans Mountain Expansion.”
“Honestly though, you’d think there’d be more support to tap in Alberta – I mean if anyone should be happy about a pipeline and also unoffended by black face it’s rig workers, amirite? Because oil is black…. Too soon?”
Scheer, having found a protester-free parking space a few blocks away, arrived out of breath.
“We know we can rely on Alberta and Saskatchewan,” he said with a dismissive wave. “We Ontario natives who wanted to advance our political careers with less risk have made these provinces our home for a reason.”
Scheer also promised to cut $1.5 billion in corporate subsidies but reassured Alberta and Saskatchewan fossil fuel subsidies would not be affected. Then he chugged a litre of chocolate milk.
“Unlike Justin Trudeau, our Party will not use a majority to reward our friends and punish our enemies,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
This post is satire.
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