Alberta Politics Satire

“It’s Not a Conflict of Interest When We Do It,” Says Alberta Premier

An Okotoks man who accidentally shot a potential thief on his property is heading back to court after being sued by the man he shot. The shooter, who almost lost some spare change, claims he was simply trying to defend himself and his family from potential murderers who are running rampant in rural Alberta.

Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has donated money to the defendant’s Go Fund Me account and will be sharing pom poms with Alberta’s Minister of Justice and Attorney General, Doug Schweitzer, for their choreographed cheer for the defence.

Kenney even called up his good friend and ally Rick Bell to write a story about how angry Kenney was at the gall of suing someone after being shot for what Kenney believed was good reason.

“Rural Alberta is, if I may quote Donald Trump, a ‘shithole’,” Kenney said angrily, his voice rising with agitation. “There’s nothing but blood! Death! Criminals EVERYWHERE!!”

While most Albertans believe it is their God-given right to shoot anyone who looks sideways at their car, daughter or shrubbery, it has been contentious in the past to use the “but I didn’t mean to shoot them just yet” defence.

“Property is infinitely more important than life, especially if that life is low,” Kenney declared as gunshots rang out like a bell.

One lawyer who was hoping to be retained said he would be looking to use the “there were guys on my property, not trying to break into my home, so of course I started shooting” defence.

B.S. Teller, QC, LMNOP, lawyer for the plaintiff, claimed he wasn’t arguing that his client should be allowed to steal loose change from cars.

“My client had no intention of harming anyone,” he wrote in an emailed statement, “people steal change from unlocked vehicles every day and this is the first time I’ve heard of a Premier saying it’s okay to shoot them.”

“It opens the door to Zimmermans shooting people on the street,” he penned cryptically, causing thousands of Albertans to Google Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin.

During a break from their protest dance rehearsal, the Premier and Justice Minister scoffed at the idea that maybe we shouldn’t shoot people who aren’t threatening us harm.

“Every Albertan knows this isn’t about shooting random people,” Kenney said while wiping sweat from his brow. “This is about good guys with guns and the everyday bad guys who are stalking rural Alberta residents with murder on their minds.”

“We want to send a message: Albertans should know that we support shooting criminals. Accidentally, on purpose; who cares? You protect your stuff or you die a ghastly death. That’s the reality of rural Alberta today – it’s the Compton of Canada.”

“In fact,” Kenney beamed, “we don’t care if it’s your neighbour or your family – if someone is on your property, just shoot them; I’ll happily donate to your defence so long as they have drugs on them.”

All other elected officials declined to comment citing personal and professional ethics, and respect for the principles of justice, and the rule of law, to name a few.

This post is satire.

Deirdre Mitchell-MacLean

contact: dmaclean@countersign.ca, hello@politicalrnd.ca

Twitter: @Mitchell_AB for all the commentary; @thisweekinAB for posts; @politicalRnD to guess “who tweeted that”?

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