Satire

BREAKING: Karen on Facebook has cracked the COVID conspiracy

Edmonton – Delivering an epic lesson on spurious correlations, Karen on Facebook has determined the reason for COVID surges is a result of any month that contains the letter “A”.

“I hated science when I was in school but I’ve discovered that I totally get this stuff despite never having taken an upper-level course or actually working in the field,” Karen said in an email response.

“People are looking for exactly the kind of information I’m putting out – they want answers that actually explain it all.”

Karen noted that only months with an “A” had seen coronavirus spikes around the world, and for the spikes in June and July, she found the day of the week also had one, confirming her original hypothesis that it was a conspiracy of the highest order.

“That’s just scraping the bottom of the barrel. Did you know ‘China’ has an ‘A’ in it as well? And for that matter so does Italy, Spain, U.S.A., Canada, Norway and Brazil” Karen said smugly.

“Even if the lamestream media tries to deny it – I can prove they’re wrong. You can fact check me; get a map -any map- I will prove to you they all have an ‘A’. But the strongest evidence is in the calendars; seriously, go get a calendar, I can show you.”

Karen said that her posts had reached hundreds of thousands of people who were also now buying her essential oils to ward off coronavirus, werewolves, and geo-located radio waves that the government uses to read minds.

“I follow a lot of Facebook groups that are mostly secret – you have to be ‘in the know’ to get into these groups,” Karen assured us.

“All of these groups have, like, all the answers. And they’re all secret because there’s a global conspiracy to keep the information from the people – we don’t even get to know who is posting the information but we know it’s real because it disproves the so-called ‘expert advice’ with facts that everyone just knows already.”

“They wouldn’t call it ‘common sense’ if you needed education.”

Karen couldn’t be reached for follow-up and she hasn’t posted on her page in a few days. If you know a Karen, check on their well-being because you know they’re self-medicating with some “miracle cure” they found on the internet.

This post is satire, but seriously, check on your Karens.

Deirdre Mitchell-MacLean is a frustrated political columnist wearing masks in public and physically distancing in Southern Alberta. Connect: @Mitchell_AB

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Categories: Satire

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