In an exclusive interview, Trump’s tax returns claimed they were being unceremoniously targeted, receiving the unfairest treatment of all tax returns in the history of the United States of America.
Hawk-eyed Americans noted that Donald Trump, America’s 45th president, paid more to Stormy Daniels than he paid to the American government in the last ten years.
The comparison drew a shrug from Trump’s tax returns and a spark of something akin to jealousy that received a cold look in response.
“We were his best kept secret after Stormy Daniels and we never would have put ourselves in the spotlight. It’s not even a surprise that the failing New York Times was the one to finally put us in the public eye,” Trump’s tax returns sniffed.
“For all the faults the media tries to say he has, even though he is a celebrity, Trump has never been recorded saying that anyone had the right to look at us, let alone grab us; he’s very protective like that.”
According to his tax returns, Trump paid only $1,500 in taxes over two of the past 10 years – $750 in each of the first two years after being elected president.
“It was such a shock when he admitted to owing taxes,” Trump’s returns said with a reminiscent smile.
“That line had never been filled out before and we all laughed and screamed ‘fake news!’ It was a very special moment.”
As a young man, Trump received a paltry $1,000,000 from his father to start his own business. He was, however, smart enough to realize that one didn’t have to be good at business in order to succeed – one only has to make others believe they are good at business.
Putting money into himself became the future president’s entire business plan – a fact that did not escape his tax returns.
“If it wasn’t for the fact that he could get more money by sending us to be judged and evaluated like some sort of lowly apprentice, he never would have put us through this,” Trump’s returns declared confidently.
“We were his special little secret – like his decades-long friendship with Jeffrey Epstein – the less anyone knew, the better.”
“Plus, because he’s smarter than, like, anyone ever, our existence proves how smart he was to keep so much money from Americans. Donald Trump doesn’t owe America anything – America owes him.”
While Trump has repeatedly claimed that he had always followed the law when filing his tax returns, the IRS has been attempting to audit a particularly fruitful year where Trump received $72,000,000.00 from Americans to compensate for his failure to succeed in his myriad business ventures.
“We knew you would bring that up,” Trump’s returns responded defensively.
“It’s not his fault that he lost all that money – it’s the fault of Democrat states for not being smart enough to buy what he was selling. If blue states were more like red states, who know the real art of the deal, Democrat-run states would be getting more government money too.”
Trump’s tax returns ended the interview abruptly saying that although they deserved the attention, the public scrutiny was unjust.
“No one made a big deal about Obama’s tax returns and Trump should be lauded because his accounting firm complied with a court order,” Trump’s tax returns said defiantly as they headed for the door.
“It’s just like fake news to bring up Obama,” Trump’s returns shot back.
“Trump would anything he pleased for himself and if it wasn’t for all of the fake news in this country, Americans would know it too.”
This post is satire.
Deirdre Mitchell-MacLean is a political commentator physically distancing in Southern Alberta.
Connect: @Mitchell_AB for more, @thisweekinAB for posts, @politicalrnd for somewhere in between