In an un-televised conference with a highly age-diverse assembly in Toronto, Ontario a spokesman for Premier Doug Ford assured voters their children would not be educated in “fads”. After removing all modern material from Ontario’s health curriculum, Ford’s spokesman informed the crowd that his government had decided to scrap all modern education.
“It’s going to save the province millions,” a spokesman said during a parent orientation “there will be no reference to individual diversity and no wi-fi,” he said to cheers. “Parents spoke and we listened. Ford Nation!” He yelled.
After allowing a moment for fist pumps and raucous high-fives he went on. “We’re also getting rid of Windows-based computers and relying on the proven life-lessons of The Oregon Trail. Kids today don’t even know how fast they can push their oxen before they die; our office is committed to ensuring education is stagnant so parents can relate.”
There were a few more cheers but some parents began to look uncomfortable. “Will we need to buy an old computer?” one asked. “Absolutely not,” the spokesman smiled “few people could afford one when you were growing up and we want it to be as much like you remember as possible.”
“We will also be returning to pre-1970 math; the imperial system was good enough for your parents and it’s good enough for your children as well.” There was growing discomfort in the room and a few parents were not having it. “Why would you teach the imperial system?!” One demanded. “We learned the metric system – how can we relate to that?”
“We didn’t just talk to parents,” the spokesman responded cheerily, “we also reached out to grandparents. They told us how hard it was for them to lose their parental rights when a Liberal government forced their children to learn the metric system. We listen to everyone who voted for us, not just elitist parents who once thought their parents were not ‘with the times’.”
A hush fell over the room while the grandparents sat smugly, sending their adult children “I told you so” looks. “We are also in consultations with great-grandparents to see what we can do to streamline the curriculum with what was important to them when they were parents.” A lone rasping cheer could be heard, slightly, if you listened closely.
Sensing the growing agitation in the room, the spokesman hurried on; “we have already determined there is a need for more access to diverse opinions from the 1930’s in Ontario’s post-secondary institutions and will continue our consultations in earnest.” He nervously looked around the room for high fives and fist pumps, a sweat breaking out on his forehead.
When met with blank stares of the now-silent assembly, the spokesman backed away from the podium and yelled “Ford Nation!” as he ran out of the room.
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