Calgary folk were shocked to discover an environmental organization had infiltrated its completely Conservative agricultural mecca in August. ALUS Canada, a “community-developed and farmer-delivered” program which “sustains agriculture, wildlife and natural spaces for all Canadians, one acre at a time”, claims to help “farmers produce valuable ecological services on Canadian farmland”. The Wheatland County Twitter account audaciously tweeted out how “proud” they were to have partnered with the “environmental sustainability” group which all Albertans know is code for “eco-terrorism”.
“Those damned eco-terrorists just aren’t satisfied with killing our oil industry” said a well-known conservative investor who spends his time stumping for Conservatives in Calgary and filming a television show in Toronto, “now they’re after our agriculture industry too!”
In fact, an overview of a Conservative Party of Canada MP’s twitter feed revealed shocking support of more than just “environmental” partnerships; he also appeared to support government making unreasonable demands of its citizens and, even, government jobs.
Martin Shields, the CPC Member of Parliament for Bow River, who is obviously just masquerading as a Conservative, shared municipal government tweets as if they were ‘public service announcements’.
The County of Newell tweeted out a warning to Alberta’s free citizens not to throw cigarettes into “vegetation, landscaping, peat moss, dried grasses, mulch, leaves, garbage and other similar items”. The tweet even pictured a Government of Alberta image demanding people not “plant (their) butts”. That’s probably even a nuanced double-meaning about being proactive as well, the snakes.
“This government intervention is getting ridiculous” spat a rural resident extinguishing a small grass fire caused by a carelessly tossed cigarette butt in a ditch near his property, “that’s what you get with a socialist government; always telling people what to do.”.
Shields also shared a public sector job advertisement, which obviously means he supports government waste. The Town of Taber was probably ashamed to announce it had both full and part-time jobs to give away with Alberta’s tax dollars.
“We don’t need more government jobs,” said a former communications director for Jason Kenney “we need private investment in rural areas so people can actually work for a living!” When asked what the UCP plans were to create investment in rural areas, he blocked us on social media.
“The job-killing carbon tax” added Jason Kenney, “is forcing rural areas to produce government jobs instead of allowing people to have honest work. When I’m premier, I will ensure there are no government jobs to be had; especially in rural Alberta where folks can pull up their bootstraps and earn a real living.”
Thankfully, the Taber Food Bank also has opportunities available for unpaid work, which Jason Kenney supported. “Unpaid work and generous land grants are what this province was built on” he declared from the front seat of his brand new Dodge pick-up truck, “if you volunteer hard enough against free speech, women’s reproductive rights and the LGBTQ+ community, you can get job security and a pension to keep representing your personal views on behalf of people who don’t pay attention to politics.”
The “smiling Buddha” chuckled as he put the truck into gear and then paused. His eyes shone as he imparted the well-kept secret only a decade in politics will teach a man: “Albertan’s don’t just give that away, you know; you have to have the word conservative by your name” he said with a wink. Then he hit the gas and left rural Alberta in the dust as he drove back the city to catch a flight home to Ottawa.
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