Nothing to See Here, Alberta Premier Tells Amnesty International

In a scathing response to Amnesty International, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney used the only thing available to a puffed-up little bully who is justifying the desire to steal the lunch money of not-for-profits; a thesaurus.

“I understood everything that uppity Amnesty International guy was saying and I disagreed with all of it,” said an Alberta resident. “I had no idea what Kenney was saying but it was full of what-about-ism and refusing to take responsibility, so it really resonated with me.”

“Everyone knows the environmentalists are only in it for themselves,” he continued, “we’re going to use education dollars to fund tax breaks for multi-billion dollar corporations in Alberta and that will somehow benefit all of Canada. We’re the good guys here.”

Kenney’s response comes after Amnesty International delivered an open letter to the Alberta government, which preceded a well-thought out joke that highlighted the Premier’s comedic genius about how jailing environmentalists without cause got them to stop protesting. 

“The fact that I would joke about this, and you can tell it was a joke because I specifically said ‘funnily enough’ – because it was funny, right?” Kenney laughed, again, to mostly silence, again.

“Look, it’s completely at odds with my government’s stance on free speech. My government forced all Alberta post-secondary institutions to support free speech on campus. That’s my record on freedom of speech and association with groups that I believe should have a platform, so, when I joke about “lefties” and their stupid little causes, everyone knows where I stand,” he said while trying to make himself look taller. 

“The failing Amnesty International hasn’t stopped human rights abuses in totalitarian regimes,” he mocked, apparently standing on his tip-toes, “so for them to lecture me, the guy who forced publicly funded institutions to provide a space for all manner of academically-challenged positions, to suggest that I’m putting rights of others on the line is laughable. Because it’s funny, right?” 

Amnesty International responded in plain English and without mockery, again, so it is assumed the Premier is looking for other human rights abuses to use as punchlines for his next public appearance. 

This post is satirical.

Deirdre Mitchell-MacLean 

Deirdre is a political commentator, columnist, reporter, and podcaster in Alberta. She relies on facts, snarky Twitter, and satire to share knowledge and a laugh. 

contact: [email protected], [email protected]

Twitter: @Mitchell_AB for all the commentary; @thisweekinAB for posts; @politicalRnD to guess “who tweeted that”?

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